Aug. 16.

Something Else Sunday: The Creepiest Twitter Date That Never Was

ses-date-thI’m sure most of us have been there, with someone trying to chat us up, failing, and having us desperately trying to get away. It can be hilarious. It can be excruciating, it can be downright mortifying. But it can also make for a great story to laugh at afterwards. So, here is my story of my recent Twitter Date, that was never actually a date.

If you are young and good looking, chances are you’ve encountered this type of account on Twitter. Guy, not too many tweets, and just as few followers. For the purposes of this, I shall refer to him only as “Subject X” (even though that makes it sound like a twisted experiment). He was following about a hundred people, mostly of the good looking female variety, and he had 9 tweets, all variations of the “Hello Dear, I’d like to get to know you” kind. If you haven’t guessed it yet, he had one thing on his mind. Being up for a laugh, I decided to play along for a while, and followed him back. It didn’t take long for a DM to arrive, which read:

Subject X
Hi dear how are you doing its nice yo be friends with you on here…
you got a nice profile…where do you come from hope you dont mind me asking??

So far, so dull, but I answered, being truthful, but vague. I’m from Dublin, so I didn’t get more specific than that. He then asked me about if I am living with family (yes, but I don’t have my own family), before I asked him to tell me something about himself. This isn’t a one way conversation!

From that I learned:

  • He comes from Palm Beach, Florida
  • He is  in the US Army
  • Currently deployed in Libya “on a peace keeping”
  • He is single (well, if he is looking for a hookup, it does help)
  • He lost his parents 5 years ago in a motor accident
  • He was taken in and raised by his uncle, who is a reverend father

Right, nothing serious so far, I was sorry to hear about his parents, but was happy to see he is so positive considering the situation he is in. Standard small talk stuff. He asked my age, to which I replied mid 20’s (which is not far off), and the reply was maybe one of someone who isn’t mastering the English language, as he replied:

Subject X
wow you look matured and good i guess you have a boy friend

I would have never thought you tell a woman you look “matured”, unless you want a slap/drink thrown over you. I let it slide though. Things may be getting interesting. I explained that I was single, but was in a long distance relationship for 5 years (true). On being asked why it never worked out:

My girlfriend lived in Missouri, and 4,000 miles is a long distance to make it work out.

A pertinent bit of information there. My girlfriend. Did he pick up on that? If he did would I be writing this? Of course he didn’t. Instead his reply let slip some of the purpose of this whole conversation:

Subject X
okay i understand and tell me why since then you never want any relationship again can i ask you a question will you like having a serious relationship again and get married and have your own family some day i wish for that

Did I ever say I didn’t want any relationship again? Did I mention marriage and family? Is this what you are looking for, Subject X? Still I continued to play along, yet again not mentioning men or boyfriends.

I didn’t say I don’t want any relationship again. I just want the right person, and a family would be nice.

Alas he both did and didn’t pick up on the whole person thing. He is still convinced I am looking for a man, but did suddenly figure out that I was using the term “person” (he may be catching on – or not)

Subject X
okay i understand you tell me what kind of man would you like to have some day

I want someone with a great personality. Kind, funny, witty. Someone who I want to spend all my time with!

Subject X
wow thats very interesting and you really deserve such man well truly i want the same but its so hard this days to find the right one

Subject X
I enjoy slow or fast dancing, walking in the woods holding, hands, candlelite dinners, travel, shopping and watching movies, and playing romantic piano for that special person. I love snuggling and sharing passionate kisses with that special person.

So, he cottoned on to the person thing, and started using punctuation, though I question whether he likes walking in the woods holding, and also likes hands, or he likes walking in the woods holding hands. Maybe it is time to start ramping up the messages that I am not interested, and am really just winding him up. So, when being asked what I like and dislike, I dropped this little message in there:

I love spending time with my friends, enjoying good food and laughter. Friends are important to me. I don’t really like random pushy people.

Random pushy people. Does that include those who randomly follow you on Twitter looking for a wife? Apparently not! So it continued. Can I cook well, do I like food? (Is he looking for a wife to stay at home and create care packages for him while he is out policing the world?) Yes, I can cook. I love scallops (a seafood), so I was surprised by the next question – Do I like seafood? (sigh – how much longer can this go on). Maybe it is time to make it so blindingly obvious that I am taking the piss. Come on Subject X, give me the opportunity! He dutifully obliged!

Subject X
oh really thats so great well i havnt been to Ireland before and dont know how it looks but i will like to Visit your country maybe sometime

Ireland is beautiful. Very green lots of fields, great people and some leprechauns.

Oh come on, if that doesn’t make him realise, nothing ever will! Guess what, he didn’t realise, or he does believe in leprechauns!

Subject X
wow i like the way you put those words and i will like coming there to build and start my own family??

Woah there! Now you’re freaking me out. You both didn’t get the leprechaun thing, and you’re coming to Ireland to start your family. Don’t you know the rules of dating (Twitter or otherwise), you never mention starting a family on the first date! I have to get out of this! But I also have to be polite, so I obligingly tell him he is always welcome to visit Ireland (everyone always is), except for the fact that he took it as an official invitation!

I needed an out. Asking me for pictures seemed ideal, and I did try to let him down gently…

There I am in my profile picture. That is me!

Anyway, it has been nice talking to you Subject X, but I don’t think you are the special person I am looking for. I can’t do another long distance relationship. Stay safe out there, and best of luck to you!

I don’t think it had the desired effect, and I may have broken Subject X’s heart…

Subject X
Hey why do you say this

Because you are not the person I want to spend my life with, but I don’t want any harm to come to you? I’m being polite.

Subject X
its okay dear i understand??

It’s late here. I’m going to bed. Goodbye, Subject X.

And so ends the story of the date with Subject X. I’m not against internet dating (I met two ex partners on the internet) but I’ll probably avoid these kinds of dates in the future. That said, if you know someone who would get on well with me, knows how to punctuate (and who wouldn’t discuss starting a family on the first date) or you want to share your creepy dating story, I encourage you to do so below! Come on, laugh with us, it’s therapeutic!


By Robyn | Posted in All About Me, Random Waffle, Something Else Saturday, Thoughts | Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.

Tagged: , , , , ,

Go on, talk to me. I don't bite!


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox

Join other followers:

%d bloggers like this: